The Legend of Knockertron (EP.6)

Please note that all of the content in this blog is 96.45% fictional.

            Our two heroes awoke at 9.13 am in sunny Hawaii with nothing on except space suits. “Well” murmured Samii “This is new”. The two friends looked around the beach they had landed on with wonder and amazement. Then in a flash Knockertron realized something quite peculiar “Samii!!” he exclaimed “We have tracker chips in our arms!” Within an instant of him saying this, a large green limo pulled onto the beach (clearly illegal) while an absurdly large hand reached out and pulled our two heroes inside (even more illegal). When they got into the limo they were greeted by the oddest selection of characters they had ever seen (which is saying a lot for the two of them!)

            Sitting directly opposite them was an Iranian man of about 7 feet tall wearing a pink tuxedo, clown shoes and a magicians cloak, and next to him was presumably the man who had pulled them in. He was only 3 feet tall but his hands looked like they had been inflated. He also had a luminous green beard which Knockertron guessed could probably blind hamsters. Even though they couldn’t see much of the driver he looked pretty normal, that is until they saw the huge pile of assorted fruits beside him. Suddenly the pink tuxedo man began speaking

“We have been watching you since your incident Knockertron” he said “We are interested in you joining our club for underappreciated super-powered entities. I am ‘The Body Popper’ , I can make any part of me abnormally large hence my large frame & clown size feet. The gentleman to the right of me is ‘The Glove’. He is abnormally small as well as deaf and blind but he has enough arm strength to catch crashing planes!”

“Then why is he underappreciated” interrupted Samii  

“Well” said the man after a pause “He also likes throwing landed planes, which shall we say ‘annoys people’ or ‘grinds their gears’. It’s all in good fun though & he waits till the passengers have gotten off. And I almost forgot about our driver ‘Mr. Fruity’, he can eat as much fruit as he wants & it always returns to him hence the massive pile of fruit.”

“Awesome!” said Knockertron his voice full of enthusiasm “How do I sign up?”

“Well first you have to come up with a name” replied The Body Popper

“How about ‘The Goat?’”

“Taken”

“Billy Goat?”

“Taken!”

“The Goat/Chicken?”

“Taken!!”

“Goatertron?”

“Taken!!!”

“Goatinator?”

“TAKEN!!!!”

“Ok then!” replied an exasperated Knockertron “What isn’t taken?”

“Well we have three left on our database ‘The Ironic Avocado’, ‘The Flabbergasted Ostrich’ or ‘The Irritated Hedgehog’. Take your pick amigo. Yes that’s right bet you didn’t know I was fluent in Mexican!”

“Three pretty good choices” murmured Knockertron “And that Mexican is perfect by the way, I’m going to have to go with. . . ‘The Ironic Avocado’!!”

“Good choice Sir”

“This superhero but I still have one question,” interjected Samii “How did we end up in Hawaii and what’s with the spacesuits?”

“Well that question is easy to answer. But I’m not going to so see you later Terminator (1, of course 2 & 3 were ok but salvation was a pre-told storyline for Christ’s sakes LOL ‘yawn’)” and with that ‘The Glove threw them back to Samii’s L.A penthouse apartment with nothing but their spacesuits and Knockertron’s new Superhero degree. “We got to go back to Hawaii sometime” said Samii after a long pause “The fruit salad there is off the hook!”

“After the Super-Bowl” grumbled Knockertron as he fell asleep bringing to a close the craziest day of our two heroes young lives. However seconds later Samii received a call “So he knows nothing?” said the shadowy voice on the other end of the line.

“Nothing” replied Samii “It's all up to you to tell him now”

“You realize he can’t avenge Shaniqua III’s death”

“Why?”

“Because he’s not his uncle”

“Then who is?” asked Samii

“I am!” said El Moe Kiely Fox from the doorway of the apartment holding the blockiest Nokia that the 1980's had to offer.

End of Episode 6

(Episode 7 up on Friday!)

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'The Glove' (Green beard is shaven)

The Legend of Knockertron (EP.4)

Note that all of the content of this blog is 96.45% fictional

            Still reeling from the death of Bruce Lee and having completely forgotten about his plan to become a professional cyclist, Knockertron stumbled from open bar to open bar on the L.A club scene. In fact by 9.30pm he was so wasted you could have knocked him over with an internet. He probably would have knocked over at least 14 dustbins on the way home if it wasn’t for the interjection of a kindly soul. And that soul was a young Korean man called Samii Escobar.

            Samii Escobar came across Knockertron earlier in the evening. He picked him out because he thought that it was slightly odd that a chicken was downing shots of Jack Daniels on the L.A club scene. He decided to follow him and help him get home because Mr. Escobar was a kindly sort of fellow. He was also a big contributor to the founder of popular boy-band Boyzonal. All these factors combined to compel Mr. Escobar to follow our hero. It turned out to be a decision that would alter both of these colorful characters lives forever. So Samii escorted our hero to his home and waited until till he awoke.

“You were pretty banana’d last night” said Samii

“I was fine if not for the fish and chips” replied Knockertron

“That may be true but you have angered the Gods” yelled Samii

“I do not care for weathermen, Good day to you Sir!!” replied Knockertron and stampeded out of Samii’s dwelling.

“You will need me when the time comes” shouted Samii after him.

            Back at Crazy Bill’s Funky Farmyard our hero was contemplating recent events in his life. “Maybe I should let this new guy into my sub-concious” he thought. “I need a strong male influence in my life after my father cast me out and my uncle died. But maybe he might just use me for my cookie recipe.” After much of this kind of deliberating Knockertron decided to return to the dwelling of this mystery man (Who isn’t a mystery to any of you readers! Lol) Knockertron was about to make his first real friend since the late nineties. The lone wolf that was Knockertron would no longer be completely alone. He would have one friend.

End of Episode 4

(Episode 5 will be up on Sunday.)

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Samii Escobar

The Legend of Knockertron (EP. 3)

Note that all of the content in this blog is 96.45% fictional.

As soon as Knockertron left the arena, he was confronted by his uncle. The initial delight at seeing his long lost uncle was immediately extinguished by the stream of abuse that flew out of Shaniqua III’s mouth. “You little fart-nugget!” he said “You were always a terrible fighter and we both know it. What’s changed?”

“N-n-n-nothing” stammered Knockertron nervously. But the more nervous he became the more goatee-hairs sprouted out of his moistened chin.

“Oh No.” exclaimed Shaniqua III “Please don’t tell me you’ve been involved with goats! Goats are terrible. They’ll tell you that you’re the one for them on Monday and then by Thursday they’ll be in Sweden with Barbara from work drinking milkshakes at a cinema. If you have anything to do with any goats I’m dead to you.”

“Wait what?” said Knockertron.

Then as if on cue a strange creature that called itself “El Moe Keily Fox” dropped down from its web on the roof and slit Shaniqua III’s throat. Shaniqua was indeed now dead to him. “Damn.” said Knockertron and aimlessly walked around in circles for a few minutes allowing El Moe to make his escape. Knockertron then came to his senses and knelt beside the body of his uncle. “I’m so sorry” he croaked “I was experimented on by goats and given goat-like powers. But I swear to you when I volunteered for the experiment I didn’t know that they would be goats, I thought they would be water-voles or something. I didn’t knooww!!!”

“Well I suppose that makes sense.” replied Shaniqua “Water-voles are always experimenting on things… Don’t worry I forgive you. But before I die know this my young enchilada, you have great power now, and with all great power comes . . . muffins! And with that the great warrior Bruce Lee died (Bruce Lee happened to die at the exact same time as Shaniqua III, who was a terrible warrior by the way.)

“Noooooooooo!!!!!” screamed Knockertron “Enter the Dragon was a bad-ass movie! How could Bruce Lee die.” and slowly still reeling from the shock of his hero’s death our hero traipsed away from the brutally-defaced remains of his uncle. (In case you are wondering his remains were defaced by delinquent guinea pigs.)

Later that day Knockertron was contemplating the death of his uncle. He never really liked him but at the same time remembered Ancient Mexican chicken rule #142: “The death of all chickens must be avenged within 30 days or great dishonor will be brought onto the family of entrepreneur Bill Gates.” Not wanting his Xbox One pre-order to be damaged in any way Knockertron knew that he couldn’t allow shame to be brought on Mr. Gates or his family. He knew what he had to do. He had to wear tight pants, go by a ridiculous name, win over the affections of the local female news reporter and then finally in the last episode avenge the death of his loved one. “What do you call people who do that again” thought Knockertron aloud, disturbing the other residents of Crazy Bill’s Funky Farmyard. “Oh yeah, they’re called cyclists! I’m going to be a cyclist!” Knockertron was suddenly happy as he ate on the muffins he had gained because of his great power. Everything was going to be Quentin Tarantino.

End of Part Three

(The blog will be updated with a new episode every Wednesday Saturday & Sunday. Happy Hanucca!  -Octavius)

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Shaniqua III back in college

The Legend of Knockertron (EP.2)

Note that all of the content in this blog is 96.45% fictional.

                     The first thing Knockertron noticed about L.A was the bright lights… Pity it was from a car that was about to run over him. He dived out of the way just about escaping with his life. He carried on into the city until he found a dirty abandoned creature in a dark alleyway. It definitely wasn’t human so Knockertron decided to investigate. “What are you” grunted Knockertron his voice full of sandwiches.

“My name is Bubbles” said the creature “Justin Bieber’s old Monkey. He abandoned me in Germany and I had to hitchhike back here but then Justin didn’t even want me! He cast me out on the streets to fend for myself! But the worst part is he replaced me! With a platypus… called Henry!”

“I wouldn’t take that from my man” interjected Knockertron. “I’d be all like ah hell no!!”  

“Be that as it may L.A is no place for animals. Heed my warning young padawan”

“No” replied our hero and with that he was gone.

          Later that day Knockertron finally found the Mexican fighting chicken arena. He knew then that his time had come. He went straight in and in the first 4 minutes he was in his first professional fight. Using his new goat powers he won the fight easily and was given a prize of $6.24. He turned around to leave after receiving the cheque and was immediately confronted with a very smelly man probably of Caribbean descent. “You got potential kid” he said “I’m a promoter around here and I think you could be something special. Swing by here in three days and ill enter you in a fight that has 840 rupees in prize money. Here’s my card.”  And with that the man left. Our hero returned to his newly rented apartment on Crazy Bill’s Funky Farmyard convinced that this would be the start of a better life for him.

          Elsewhere in L.A Knockertron’s uncle, Shaniqua III (The only other chicken to be banished from the tribe) heard the news of the “Young Prodigy of the cock-fighting universe”. He immediately knew it was his nephew because of his voodoo powers and set off to find him. He felt that Knockertron might need the company of a fellow chicken while he was settling in to a new city.

          Three days passed quickly and Knockertron was ready for his second fight. As far as he was concerned the money was as good as his. He arrived at the arena and was immediately greeted by the promoter from three days previous. “I knew you’d show up kid. This fight is going to catapult you into the big time.” Knockertron nodded and stepped up into the pit. Although the chicken across from him looked tough he knew that his goat-powers would win the day. The announcers voice sounded “In the right corner weighing 8 pounds and 4 ounces The Abominable Rooster!!” he said “And in the left corner weighing 5 pounds and 8 ounces the newcomer Knocker…trooon!!!” Knockertron knew the crowd was cheering but he had gone into ultra Zen Buddha-goat mode. He was laser focused on his opponent. He started to stare him down but then got something stuck in his eye and had to look away. He didn’t even here the bell signaling the start of the fight. He knew the fight had started when the other chicken just charged him. He sidestepped the attack with goat like speed and then brutally started beating the other chicken into the ground. The fight was over in a matter of seconds leaving the whole crowd wondering how he could fight like that. However one person knew that he in fact couldn’t fight like that, because his uncle Shaniqua III had found him.

End of Episode 2

(Sorry if that one was slightly more serious than the first one. I promise the next one will be so insane you’ll shoot rainbows out of your bellybutton.)

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Our hero midway through his operation.